My Short-Cut To Confidence

Catalysts for change.

Whew! This is a conversation that is very near and dear to my heart. This one goes very deep for me. So I’ll go back to the beginning where it all started:

Growing up, I was the most carefree kid. Every day, without fail, my mom would have to look me in the eyes and remind me not to forget myself whenever we would leave the house. I would come back home with bruises, open cuts, and lost items without even knowing anything had changed until someone else noticed it. 

Recently, I was catching up with a friend that I hadn’t spoken to in over 13 years and she was telling me that even though I was the youngest in the group, I would always say what was on everyone’s mind that they couldn’t form the vim to say. My jaw literally dropped when she said this. I’m so far from that now that I couldn’t imagine a version of myself that was so outspoken.

As I’m writing, I’m reminded of instances when different features of my body were made fun of or when I was referred to as being mean. People were telling me things about myself I wasn’t seeing and I was soaking it all up.

"Your forehead is massive"
”Your legs look like dinosaur legs”
”Your ears are tiny”
”Your nose is massive”

These were all mirrors that I began to see a reflection of myself in.

I started to believe that other people had a better perspective cuz they have a “360 degree view” of my body. It actually got to a point where I started taking pictures of myself from certain angles trying to see what others were seeing.

My self esteem was in the gutter and basically non-existent. People looking at me at all made me sick to my stomach. The concept of self-love made me so irritated cuz I thought it was a load of bs.

I cringed at the thought of being looked at...clearly uncomfortable in my own skin.

What led me to cut my hair:

At the time, my hair was styled in twists and I was actually somewhat feeling myself and starting to feel beautful. However, after a conversation with someone it got me thinking — I had a strong feeling that what I needed to move into another dimension of my identity was to start wearing my natural hair out. It was my biggest insecurity and therefore, my biggest obstacle in confidence.

Comfort vs. The Unknown

When you start breaking out of the insecurities that are holding you back, the biggest enemy you face is (the fear of) the unknown. When you think about it, insecurities are security blankets that we hide our fears under to keep up us from facing unpredictable or new situations.

I was looking teww sweet this day, but still a shell of myself.

From outside in — how the physical affects your mental view.

When you look good, you feel good. And well, I only thought I looked good when I hid my natural hair. I definitely had a deep fear of getting found out. Like, God forbid someone ever found me with no braids in or a wig.

Stella clearly got her groove back!!!

So, what did cutting my hair do for me?

Redemption of time.

I started fully embodying who I am. It set me apart on the outside so I got comfortable with thinking different. Ideas, like this blog, that were different didn’t feel so scary anymore…because it was me. Things that were probably deep in my heart that I couldn’t even conceptualize myself doing weren’t so scary to think about and eventually follow through on. The hold fear had on me that kept me stuck and in my head was gone. People's opinion of me is no longer my full time job. I've carried my load from that heavy work and I'm never looking back. 

Acceleration — what you present confidently appears beautifully.

You start to carry yourself different. There's nothing no one can tell me about myself that I should be suprised about. Without people telling me, I know for a fact that I am beauty. Not just beautiful, but a beauty. A serious babe...and I haven't even reached my peak yet...sorry for you oh.

And because I know my worth, there's a lot of nonsense I was entertaining before that I can't even let come near me. People will treat you how they see you treat yourself. So in essence, your price goes up without even having to ask when you walk around like you are a million bucks.

Break free from the status quo!

What would you do if you weren't insecure about that thing?
What would you do if you never had to hear anyone's opinion about it?
What would you do if you weren't afraid to stand out?

Make a bold decision that will change your reality and set you free from the fears that have been holding you back.

USe Catalysts

Simply explained, catalysts are like the final drop in a bucket that pushes the water to begin to overflow. One seemingly insignificant change can shift your entire life into a different reality.

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It’s Story Time

My first go at writing this post was quite inorganic to how I typically express myself, so let’s have another go at it!

For as long as I can remember I’ve LOVED sleep…

You can even see the smile on my face.

I found so much comfort and peace in a place that my mind could turn off.

I didn’t know this then, but I know now that my environment was quite anxiety-inducing for me as a child and I just needed a place to find peace. I remember praying that we would be stuck in traffic for longer on our commute back from school. I think my reality just felt so heavy to carry and I didn’t know how to manage it so I would just run away from it.

I was a high achiever throughout school but the amount I slept just made me seem lazy. I internalized that label of laziness and believed I was the problem. I didn’t realize why I was doing what I was doing. I knew I actually loved learning and working on assignments but I struggled to actually focus and get the work done. So I accepted the words that were spoken of me.

Don’t ask me why my arm is bent like that.

In university, the battle with depression began.

And I would just sleep throughout the day unless I absolutely had to show up for classes or a deadline was creeping up. I thought I was struggling because I didn’t have the university experience I was hoping for…let me not downplay it. It was the ideal nightmare of a college experience. So when I moved campuses and things didn’t change I knew the issue was deeper than my current circumstances.

WFH was a bit too soft for me.

Through counselling, I have been able to understand different aspects of who I am and what I have experienced that has limited me in different seasons and on a daily basis. Over time, I’ve learned how deeply connected the times and seasons in our lives can shape the time we have available to us.

If you are a person that knows what you are capable of, but experiencing internal resistance to achieving your potential, I’m sure you easily get discouraged sometimes. My hope is that my vulnerability in sharing my story, and what I have found helpful, will empower you to take charge of your life. Your time is your life and I am determined to show you how you can live out that purpose without any limitations. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven.

Everything I do is to make her proud.

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