Out Of Hiding

Timecheck

Apr 15

In my undoing era.

I know, I know — its been too long since we chatted. How are we already in the fourth month of the year???

So I abandoned you guys without saying anything. Please forgive me. I would like apologize in Yoruba to express how sorry I am...if I could actually speak the language…

It feels so good to be back writing though, I’ve missed this!

I'm actually owing somebody's son money because I dropped the ball with what I was accountable for. I made many attempts to come back but I couldn’t find the words. I had a whole posting schedule and it was laughing at me while looking at the state I’ve been in.

I've been fighting for my life bro. I’m also realizing that in a way, I think we all are, and we can agree that life can be so GHETTO. When I started making my writing public, I didn’t have a 9-5 commitment so I had less responsibilities, and lots of time to recharge and to be creative. I was in a season of waiting and expectation for what was to come.

I guess I’m being vulnerable?

Starting off this year with a new job (I’m officially a corporate girlie!) was both exciting and overwhelming. I love, love, love what I do at work and I enjoy being in a space that stretches my capacity, but my new job marked the beginning of a period of my life that I wasn't expecting to be so intense (in every sense of the word). While I show up as this mature, fully functioning adult woman at work, behind the scenes, I have been in a season of undoing, where I'm being torn up from the inside out.

Honestly if there's one thing that saved me it was planning for my year ahead of time. Doing this helped me know exactly what season I was entering into before it happened. So, when I saw the signs I knew what time it was. It's time to reach into parts of me that are stuck in the past and restricting my future self from manifesting in her full state.

I made massive leaps last year. I mean massive. Especially in self-confidence. I was in such a good space mentally, and emotionally. But, somehow, I entered this year feeling empty. I didn’t know what was going on.

“How can I make so much progress and still feel numb inside. Then what's the point of anything? What am I actually doing this for? In fact I don't want any of it anymore.” This was the signal that the work I started last year wasn’t finished yet. In fact, I had only just scraped the surface of the matter.

Stop running.

Over the past few years I’ve had more than enough opportunities to go through the season of healing that I’m in right now, but I avoided it out of fear. Instead, I used different vices to get me through the pain without actually feeling the feelings (if that makes sense) and dealing with what I was trying to avoid. In January I actually fully checked out emotionally because who could have possibly expected me to function at work while dealing with this? So, I dissociated from EVERYTHING. Unfortunately for me, this decision coincided with the point in my life at which I no longer have the strength to keep running from pain. It's do or die now.

I realized that many aspects of my life (vision, relationships, sense of authenticity) will die/remain dead until I stop hiding from the truth about what has led me to the point I am now. We can all reach a point where we become a danger to others and to ourselves, unless we decide to fix up. And if we choose not to, circumstances will push you into a corner until we no longer have a choice, unless we want to remain in a dark place.

Pause to heal

So — lots of healing, lots of feelings, lots and lots of tears. That’s what my days have been like. Sometimes, for no reason whatsoever. I be looking at myself like, “Girl, what are you crying about now?” And I honestly don’t know, it just hurts. I now understand that I'm grieving a lot of pain from the past.

In ths process I’ve been untying knots that have weaved fear around my neck, and it chokes me when I try to speak. I'm breaking down walls that keep me from loving wholeheartedly. I'm shattering lies that have shaped parts of me that aren't true to the integrity of my character. I'm healing wounds that may look like scars but are still deep, open cuts that are susceptible to more infection. Many things that aren’t necessarily bad at their core but distract me from being present have been removed. I’m in a place where I’m forced to recognize my emotions and take it a step further to actually handle and regulate them.

You may feel like you have to hide parts of yourself from the world, and that's wise — it's not everything that you should share. But, at the very least, don't hide from yourself. Give yourself the space and time to feel. To be present with your emotions. To process life that has happened to you. To be honest with the life that is occurring around you. To think about what moving forward really looks like for you.

Where is your inner child stuck?

It's not about career wins. Getting the bag. Securing a foine man (or woman). Real progress is the inner work we do. As cliche as it sounds, we can only go as far as our inner child will allow us to. That’s the real indication of our growth potential. That’s where our limitations lie. You’ll know where they (your inner child) are stuck by realizing the areas of your life where you know better but don’t have the will to do better. Areas of your life where you feel like you don’t have control over how you think, feel, or behave. At that point, we don’t realize we are barely functioning as we are designed to.

Do you know that you’re naturally built to have control over your thoughts? As in, if you don’t want to think about something, you should be able to stop the thought immediately when you decide. Or, if you want to focus your mind on something for hours on end, naturally, you have the mental strength to control your focus. Most of us are far removed from our natural identity, morphing into a character that is unrecognizable by your true self.

What brings me hope is that there are ways to reform your nature back to its original design. We are malleable beings. I’ll talk about what I’ve been doing to help me get through this phase of my journey in another post. Till then, a resource that I have to give a 10000/10 rating has to be meditation. Since I started taking meditation seriously, while using the Hour Of Meditation, I’ve seen some crazy changes in my cognitive abilities and emotional stability.

The balancing act.

Even though I'm showing up as a grown woman in many spaces, the little girl in me is getting the attention she has been crying for since she was born. There are parts of us that need intentional time carved out. There are parts of you that are still hidden within you that don't yet feel safe to come out to the surface. Those are the parts of us that are most sacred. Those are the parts that have given us the strength we needed till this point. Those parts of us deserve to be nurtured by our time. Pursuing the dreams that you never thought were possible that your inner child is so proud of. Addressing the wounds that she endured.

There's nothing good about appearing strong when you’re broken on the inside. It's so much more fulfilling to be vulnerable and experience feelings of weakness but actually be whole. So when I say I'm proud of the woman I am, I mean every bit of it. I know what it’s taken to keep moving forward without ignoring the past.

If you pity me, I pity you.

I can’t lie, I didn’t plan to talk about this so soon, especially since I’m still in the process. I would’ve given it a couple years, at least. Why would I come on the internet to say I’m crying at my big age??? But I think I'm able to because I am so confident in the outcome while I'm still undergoing the process.

I'm sharing this for someone that needs to hear that somebody else doesn't have it all together. Adulting and having all these responsibilities doesn't mean you have to act like you've got everything figured out. I think (actually, I know) a lot of people think I have my life all the way together and I'll be the first one to tell you — I DON’T.

I don't even know where I’m going, I just know how far and high I’m going. My whole purpose is to share as much as I can about the journey that I'm on, hoping that it encourages all of you as you figure yours out too.

I have lots of exciting things coming down the pipeline so stay suited and booted, i promise it'll be a fun ride. This isn't comfy AT ALL, so make sure you show your girl some love in the comments if anything I shared resonates with you.